Never Tickle a Sleeping Dragon
by ashemore0
Summary: Hogwarts is never perfect for Squigly, and this year is no exception. Molly is forcing her to play Beater, Professor Dahlia wants to demonstrate dark curses on her, and the new Runes instructor is more interested in Ancient Egyptian card games than actual runes. But when a necromancer comes out of hiding with a vendetta on Squigly, school becomes just the start of her problems.


_Chapter 1: Arrivals and a Departure_

* * *

><p>Back then, before everything went wrong again, Squigly Contiello woke up two hours from Hogwarts with a ferret in her sleeve. At first, still blinking sleep from her eyes, she simply noted, <em>There's something soft on my arm. <em>And then that something moved. A pink nose popped out of her cuff, then dark eyes, then an entire animal squirming out of her sleeve. She could only think _What on Earth—? _as it scrambled on her forearm, clinging tight. She reached for her wand - then realized her wand had been tucked in her sleeve in the first place.

That was when she felt someone's face against her cheek, hissing, "Dang, Boss, you really—"

Squigly swung her fist into his eyesocket. He flew back with a yowl, and the ferret leapt and clung to her nose and sent her flying back, too. Shortly after the compartment filled with a squawk and a grunt and a crash like a falling anvil. Squigly reeled from thumping her head on the window, cracking open her eyes just as guffaws filled the cramped space. They were from none other than Patricia Watson, who nearly keeled off the trunk that was three times her size.

"Holy crap, Andy," the third-year cackled, "you shoulda heard yourself! Squealing like a girl!"

A deep grunt filled the compartment as Tommy flung himself back up. Andy was thrown into Squigly, one of his gawky elbows jabbing her side. "Watch it, toots," Andy groaned, one hand clamped over his eye. "Sorry for making flatcakes out of you, Avery…"

"Are you okay?" She shook out her sleeve, if only to get those tiny claws off her nose. And then the realization hit her. "My wand! You turned it into—"

"Shut up," Andy said.

"Ferret-face," Tommy added.

Patricia looked very proud of herself. "What'd you expect, huh? You've been zonked out for hours! What, you get your old man to tuck you in?"

She couldn't hope for Filia and Carol, could she? Or at least someone slightly less chaotic…?

A boy popped up, his green hair jutting around like a peacock's tail. "Say, Boss, what'll happen if you set it on fire?"

"No one is setting anything on fire!"

The boy huffed. "I was just asking!"

Professor Draine would be in for a tough year, if Patricia and her cohorts had already jumped to transfiguring wands. And she would be in for a tough ride. A Ravenclaw trapped with Slytherins… Squigly was quite fond of both birds and snakes, but they didn't always make a good pair.

She was about to wrestle the ferret from her face and see about fixing it, until someone murmured, "Don't touch it. I'll take care of that."

"Spoilsport," Patricia grumbled.

Patricia tended to overshadow everything else, but always, surely, Marie was with her. Marie seemed totally engrossed in a book as thick as her head - _Advanced Rune Translation - _but she tapped the ferret with her wand without saying a word, and in a wash of light, Squigly's wand dropped into her lap. Her nose still hurt, but there was no point in complaining. She smiled at her housemate. "Thank you."

"Your hair, too,"

Squigly glanced at herself in the window. Among the white flocks of sheep prodded by a shepherd and his dog, her black hair stuck up every which way. In short, she looked like she stuck her head in an exploding cauldron. Marie had it fixed in seconds, but Squigly couldn't help but glare out of the edge of her eye. She didn't regret clocking Andy, now. Once she fixed her hair with the ties around her wrist, she kept her wand pointing at Patricia.

"What a wuss. You nerds are all the same!" Patricia plopped back into the plush cushions, jabbing her friend. "What d'you guys even do all day?"

"We study," Marie said.

"You poor soul," Tommy rumbled.

Marie carried on with her book, but this time with a tiny smile.

"So, ferret-face, whatcha dream about?"

"Excuse me?"

Andy leered at her with his sharklike grin. "You have sweet dreams? Sounded like it. See, you were all—" He shut his eyes, still with his toothy smile, and erupted into awful, gurgling snores - "_Sneeerk! Snark!_"

Hoots of laughter roared up again, and Squigly could only pinch her nose with a sigh.

"I don't remembered," she lied. "I didn't get much sleep the other night—"

But a grin cut across Patricia's face. "Shut up, you were dreaming of boinking someone, right?"

"_What?_"

Then the door slid open, and Squigly hoped it was a prefect. Instead, Scythana stooped through the doorway. Squigly didn't think of herself as short, but whenever she craned her neck to see Scythana, well, she felt…_tiny._

"What's going on, guys?" Scythana finally shouted - though everything out of her mouth was a shout. "How's everyone doing?"

Patricia glared at her. Her hands were tense. "What d'you want?"

Scythana scanned the compartment, slowly. "Nothing," she said. Then she shrugged and ducked through the door.

The compartment exploded with objections. Patricia leapt onto the trunk and shouted, "You ain't getting in here!" but whacked her head against the ceiling, and fell like a stone. Marie remained unperturbed, tapping Patricia's bruise with her wand without even glancing up.

"Sorry, little dudes, no room nowhere else!" Scythana grasped Tommy's head. "Come on, scoot!"

"Shove off!" Andy snapped. Instead, it was Scythana who shoved Tommy's perpetual scowl into the row. Squigly felt like a splatter on a windshield.

"Excuse me!" she managed, her wand dangling between her fingers. "I can't breathe!"

"Oh, hey, Contiello! Didn't see you there, buddy!" The force lightened up. Scythana was genuinely smiling. "Course," she said, in the most matter-of-fact way imaginable, "if you moved your fat ass we could fit in, like, ten more guys. So why don't we get you out?"

For perhaps the first time in his life, Tommy _yelped _as he and Andy were lugged out. Scythana swung them over her shoulder. She didn't falter even as Andy slugged her back with his fists.

The boy who sat between them was the next to leap up. "Hey, fathead! _Incendio!_"

"Don't—!" Squigly shot to her feet, but she was much too late. Her panic wasn't because it would singe Scythana - the fire instead snuffed as soon as it touched the half-giant's nose.

"Thanks, pal," Scythana said. Despite being unharmed, she _glowered_. "Had an itch there." In one swipe she tore the boy's wand from his hands. She twirled it in her fingers, and then picked her jagged teeth.

With a shout the boy threw himself at Scythana. He missed, landing with a thud, just as Tommy freed himself - and fell right on top of him.

"Scythana—" Squigly held out her hands, trying to grab the half-giant's arm. "Scythana, if you simply asked—"

"And you think they'd listen?" Scythana started to swing Andy. He made a piteous whine. "They're a pack of idiots! Morons don't know how to listen to _shit__—_!"

"That's it, nerd!" Patricia leapt on the floor. "You're dead meat!"

"Stop!" Squigly swung herself between Patricia's wand and Scythana's fist, her hands up. "All of you - calm down!" She glanced back and forth - Patricia was fast but an Expelliarmus was faster, and if Scythana attacked, a Protego would prevent grievous injuries. They could simply get the nurse to treat Squigly's broken bones, and…

"I'll handle this, Sienna." Marie's lips were a deadset line. "It's my responsibility. I'm sorry we disturbed you."

No one spoke, except the boy. He squirmed and said, "What's the deal, guys? Get her! C'mon, get offa me Tommy - what's happening?" And then he fell quiet, too. Even the rattling of the train seemed to be silent.

Everyone - every last one of them - kept their eye on Marie's wand. Eleven inches, phoenix feather and yew. Everyone, everyone in Hogwarts knew about it, with whispers of _war, _whispers of _Skullgirl_. Even Scythana, of all people, of all giants, eyed Marie with something like fear.

"Drop your wands! Everyone out - _now_!"

Scythana flung her hands in the air, wand dangling between her canines. Andy dropped with an "Ouch!"

Adam bolted into the scene, his eyes lit up with fury, fists clenched like a boxer's, like a soldier ready to fire. "I think," he said, looking at each of them in turn, "I'll give you a chance to explain."

Excuses bubbled all around Squigly.

"So we were playing Exploding Snap—"

"Ferret-face here was trying to learn duelling—"

"I was trying to sit down but there was this big shark down the hall—"

"We weren't gambling or nothing, honest—"

Squigly stepped out, addressing Adam with her head ducked in apology. "It was a stupid misunderstanding, and it got out of hand. I think everyone's a bit excited, but I shouldn't have let things escalate. I'm sorry."

"Yeah," Scythana said. "But seriously, there was a shark."

Adam pursed his lips. Finally, a sigh escaped his teeth. "Look," he said, "I want this year to start right. The student heads were happy to let us know that Dahlia's volunteered to run detentions this year, so…" He relaxed his hands. "I'm letting you off this time. But next time, I'm recommending double detentions."

"There won't be another problem, Kapowski," Marie said.

Everyone agreed. In silence, the others packed themselves back in the compartment. The boy plopped at Patricia's side, looking henpecked. When the door shut, Squigly could relax at last.

"Thank you, Adam. I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't arrived."

"I think you would've handled that," he said, scratching the back of his head.

"I wouldn't have been able to fight six people at once, especially not Scythana. But you looked like you were ready to go hand-to-hand with her! If Miss Renoir had seen that - I'm sure she would have been amazed."

But merely mentioning Parasoul made him glum. He hid his face by looking down at his prefect's badge - a gleaming "P" pressed over the Hufflepuff badger. "She would have handled that better than anyone could…"

"Well," Squigly said, "I'm grateful for your help."

Parasoul unfortunately caught Adam only during his most embarassing moments. Last year, for example, there was the incident where Adam allegedly bolted out of his Charms class wearing nothing but his shirt and badge, stoppped to call out some second-years for flipping paintings upside down, and realized his terrible mistake only when Parasoul came across the scene while returning from Quidditch practice. According to Minette he refused to leave his bed for three days, and couldn't look at anyone in the eye for seven. Squigly hadn't the misfortune to see the whole thing herself, but Filia told her all about it. And, speaking of Filia…

"Do you happen to know where Filia might be? The other compartments are full, but she might have saved me a seat."

"Filia?" He shook his head. "The train is completely full, from what I've seen. But the prefect's car is available. I don't think anyone will object if you use it for the rest of the ride. I'm surprised you weren't chosen, actually."

"But aren't other people there?"

"Knowing our classmates - and some of our teachers, too - I think we're on constant patrol for the rest of the ride." The prefect smiled faintly. "No one will bother you. Come on, I'll take you there."

You couldn't always get what you wanted, she supposed. It would have been lovely to get some time for her, Carol and Filia before classes began. But she would, at least, get some time to relax. If what Leviathan said was true, it would be the last time she would get to do so all year.

* * *

><p>When Squigly went shopping for her fourth year books, people had been so eager to tell her about the upcoming year. The waitress at the Leaky Cauldron, for example, recalled finding her first secret passage that year, and told Squigly with a broad smile, "If that knight on the second floor is still around, sweet-talk him a little and he'll let you through." Leviathan hadn't seemed so keen on the sweet-talking part, but he kept on and on about the marvels of his fourth year, and his anecdotes helped her to make hers even better. For the entire year, the village and the castle grounds were at her fingertips, and she had a proper arsenal of magic to experiment with, without schoolwork being an immense burden.<p>

This year, however, when Squigly mentioned she was entering her fifth year, the waitress nearly dropped their tea, and stammered, "Fifth year, huh? That's when you get the OWLs…well, I suppose those aren't so bad, no, they aren't…"

The OWLs were a gauntlet of exams that determined every student's future, and in preceding years Squigly had seen her seniors grow miserable, as if their papers were somehow dementors that sucked out every bit of happiness out of their souls.

"You are a diligent student, however," Leviathan had assured her weeks ago, "so I doubt you will be overwhelmed - as some of my compatriots were. Still, however, it's been decades. Things may have changed. I know the teachers cerainly have—" (at this his nose scrunched as though he smelled a rat) "—so while there is much to explore, I do hope you will use the bulk of your precious time to study. But as long as you maintain faith in yourself, Miss Squigly, you will succeed."

_I'd like to believe him, _she thought.

She wished he was there now, if only for his skill at carving their way through a thousand people. All around Squigly students piled off the train into a knot of people looking for friends, an ocean of carriages, runaway toads hopping underfoot, prefects dragging young students away from the joke shop, someone slipping vodka out of her robe for a quick whisk—

"Scuse me, ferret-face!" Patricia knocked Squigly aside as the others dashed after their boss. The boy on the train tagged along with her, chirping an "Outta the way!" to everyone he passed.

That was, until smacked into Andy. "Sorry, slick," Andy said, turning him around, "but you gotta go meet the big guy over there!"

Patricia stuck her head around Tommy's arm. "Just think Slytherin, got it?"

The "big guy" was the groundskeeper Panzerfaust, who waved a streetlamp like a torch over the huddling first-years. His jolly bellow filled the air: "_Mach schnell, _little ones!"

"Stay safe, Sis…" Behind Squigly, Parasoul gazed into the flock of new students. She was utterly absorbed in the sight, ignoring even the squabbles chittering through the crowd. Adam reached out to her, hand hovering over his shoulder, but whipped it back to his side when their friends showed up.

Squigly scoured the crowd again, though it was growing more difficult to see as the sun set. Four carriages already shot towards Hogwarts and students were scrambling into hundreds more. Next to one coach Scythana roared her greetings to Grendel, who flung a torn carriage door in Beowulf's general direction.

A crash boomed behind Squigly and she whipped around. It took too long for her to realize what had happened - Carol was flat on the cobblestone, trying to push herself back up, with an immense suit of black armor towering over her - so Filia dove after Carol first.

"That will be five points from Gryffindor, Miss Lewis," Professor Draine said. His voice was a gentle monotone, in the way a knife merely slicing and not gouging the jugular was _gentle. _"I do hope you will begin one of these years without causing trouble. But I suppose that may be too much to ask."

"Leave her alone, Draine," Filia said in a low voice, glaring back at her house head.

"Miss Medici," he intoned, "you are above no rules, either. Defy me now, and we will have a very long discussion with your grandfather. He's asked about you, you know. He's requested regular updates on your actions."

Filia caught Squigly's eye for a moment, but Carol spoke up. "Let's go, Filia."

His red eyes flared through his helmet's recesses. "I'm not through with you yet, Miss Lewis. Look at me—"

Squigly snuck her wand to her mouth and, with the quick trick Leviathan taught her - "We often did this for your mother's performances," he had said - she literally threw her voice, and drew everyone's attention, over the mass of students.

"Don't touch those plants! They're easily offended, and - someone, _help!_"

Draine's head shot up like a wolf catching a rabbit's scent. Without another word, he glided into the crowd. In the lamplight his spiked suit gleamed oddly, very oddly. It was only paint, she told herself. That, and nothing more. Soon, he disappeared into the mass.

"That was a little exciting." Squigly lowered her wand. "Now, then—"

"Squigly!" Carol cried. "You're here! Thank you so much!" She found herself caught in a mighty hug that warmed her up.

Filia settled for patting Squigly on the back. "God, at this point he'd deduct points for _breathing_," she said, before scooping her robes from the ground. She hadn't put her tie on yet, or even tucked in her shirt. "C'mon, let's hurry up and grab a coach before we have to swim across!" The mention of swimming made her stomach growl. "Jeez, I'm hungry again…"

"You just ate!" Carol said.

"I know, I know," Filia muttered, throwing her arm around Carol's shoulders. "Where were you, by the way?"

"I tried to save a compartment for you," Squigly began, "but I fell asleep. Watson and her friends decided to accompany me. Then Scythana attempted to join us, too, and, well…"

"Seriously? We were right behind them!"

Squigly felt her stomach contract. "I thought - but a prefect said he hadn't seen you."

"Probably for the best," Filia said. "See, we were trying to save you a seat, too, but Whitefin was late for his ride, so he ended up on the Express. He wanted us to try his potions—"

"_Experimental _potions," Carol added.

"Experimental is right! He said one of them could make you an expert tapdancer but it just turned him into his animagus form, and let me tell you—" Filia leveled her gaze at Squigly's— "trying to make a great white shark drink the counter potion is not fun."

Squigly felt better about Adam, but, well, there were many people who meant well, with kind but misguided presumptions. Some people were just so disturbed by friendship between opposing families.

"Quick, let's hop in this one," Filia said, rounding on one horseless carriage. Squigly helped Carol stumble inside. Once Filia clambered in, she whistled casually and slammed the door before they had any other intruders. She seemed much less tense then, slumping against the seat with a goofy smile.

"Your hair!" Squigly realized. She hadn't noticed it in the ruckus outside, but in here - "It looks very good on you, Filia, but - you've changed it!"

Indeed, it was a rich black, long and spilling all over the seats. Filia shoved the tails of her shirt into her skirt, looking satisfied. "I'm glad you like it! It was just a quick spell after my parents left. I thought about trying something new." She pulled her tie out of her robe pocket. "Help me with this, Carol?"

"You need to learn how to do this on your own," she chided, but smiled and knotted the tie anyway.

The carriage took off, jostling over uneven stone. Squigly glanced out at the distant castle before returning to her friends. "How were your summers?"

"It was great!" Carol beamed. "We watched a movie, _The Wizard of Oz. _It's nothing like real wizards at all, but I convinced my parents it's what Hogwarts is like. I'll tell you more about it later, but there are flying monkeys involved, and this singing scarecrow, and a man made of tin who's really nothing like Professor Draine…"

"I gotta watch it, then," Filia said. "Anyway, my summer was good, too." She fell quiet in a way that said it was anything but. Still, if Filia didn't want to discuss something, there was no yanking it out of her. "How about you, Squigly? Anything exciting? A big opera extravaganza?"

"It was ordinary, relatively speaking," she said, smiling at Carol. "We did find a dragon in our backyard! It was just a baby, but it must've been the size of this carriage. My uncle wanted to keep it, I don't know how we could have hidden it, but he was determined. As it turns out, however, it had an appetite for teacups, so Leviathan wasn't very happy when he found half his cupboard had been bitten off. In the end, we gave it to the local ministry branch."

"Wow!" Carol laughed. "The closest thing we've had is when the neighbor's chihuahua broke loose one winter." She frowned at the memory.

"A chihuahua?"

"Like a crup," Filia said. Squigly thought of the fork-tailed dog, a faithful and vicious wizarding companion. "Vicious little brats, chihuahuas are. I bet you tamed him in a minute, though."

"No, I didn't," Carol said. "But they're not vicious. Okay, this one was, but - they're not _all _vicious."

"Oh really? Just the ones I've met?"

"There are exceptions to every group," Carol said, and bumped Filia with her elbow.

It was hard to imagine they could all be friends, despite bloodlines, despite houses, despite Squigly and Filia's rocky start. But Squigly couldn't ask for anything else. And when she thought about that, the upcoming year became less intimidating.

"Did you guys hear about the new Runes professor?" Filia sat up. "I don't know anything about the old one, but he dropped the position."

"I wondered why the books changed! That's really unfortunate - he was a good teacher." She fretted a moment, then asked, "Do you know why he left?"

"I have no idea," Filia said. "But my grandfather lobbied hard for the new one. I didn't catch any names, but apparently they're a big deal—"

The carriage jolted to a halt. The door swung open, revealing the gates mobbed with streams of hungry students.

"Already?" Filia sighed and gathered up her robes. "There's so much we have to talk about, though…"

"Unfortunately, I need to go straight to bed after we eat," Squigly said, still mulling over her Runes class. "I'll see you both tomorrow, then!"

"Let's compare schedules, okay?" Filia smiled as Carol hopped out the door. "See you at breakfast!" As soon as Filia turned her head, however, her smile fell flat.

It only seemed strange, then. But Squigly should have taken that as a warning.

* * *

><p>Amid the din and bustle in the Great Hall it was hard for Squigly to get to the Ravenclaw table, but she soon plopped beside Scythana, who grunted a greeting.<p>

"Sorry 'bout the whole train thing," Scythana said, fixing her sleeves. "But seriously, the whole place was packed. And there was a shark. Seriously!"

"Please, it's all right," Squigly assured. "Just…maybe ask next time?"

Scythana chuckled and shook her head. "When it comes to snakes, we'll just have to agree to disagree."

Even as the table fillled up, with Marie taking one seat near the front of the table, Alexander Loeher taking another, she felt a bit lonely. Certainly, the students were friendly enough - especially to a Contiello - but she didn't know many names, and they were strangers to her.

It wasn't that she didn't like her house. That first night, when they first arrived on the boats, Professor Victoria told them all, _Your house will be something like your family, _a place where new students could meet people who shared their values and interests. Squigly did value knowledge, integrity, thinking twice - but Ravenclaw students were frightfully brilliant compared to her. But still, carrying on the Contiello legacy… That alone made everything worth it.

She nearly jumped out of her chair when roaring cheers filled the room, like dogs baying at the moon. That meant Beowulf had made his entrance. With a yell he pumped his chair, which was some strange metal contraption, and swaggered down the hall to the head of the table, though not without giving Carol a good-natured thump in the back (which threw her face into her goblet). Slytherin threw in their usual jeers, though Andy was probably swooning at the sight of his hero.

Scythana fumed at the commotion. "Pussy."

"Excuse me?"

One Nadia Fortune stared down Scythana, her ears pinned to her head. She was one to happily hex a Vomitare Viridis those whispering about her ears and tail. Despite the teachers watching, she seemed ready to do it now.

Scythana only shrugged. "Beowulf," she said. "He's a pussy."

"Nah." Nadia cracked a smile. "He's a son of a bitch, that's what."

Scythana snorted. "Oh, that's _good_, Fortune."

"Yeah, I'm hiss_-_terical, I know." Nadia's smile grew as she sat across from Squigly. "You're looking tired there, Squigs. It's purr-fectly understandable if you want to take a cat nap, but keep an eye on Dahlia, okay? I got a little present for her - and for us."

"Kitty litter?"

"No, but thanks for the inspiration, Scythana." Nadia hopped to her feet, waving at Squigly. "See you in class, okay?" And in one leap she vaulted across the table, and darted away, probably to greet Minette before returning to Gryffindor.

"Fortune, you rat-faced bastard!" Scythana slammed her hands. All that remained of the cauldron cake she was ready to eat were a few crumbs on her plate. "Gonna get her for that…"

"We've known greater losses," Marie remarked.

"Yeah, but she stole my _cake._"

Further comments were drowned by an increasing wave of slamming utensils and _"__We wanna eat! We wanna eat!_", namely from the Gryffindors. Thankfully, instead of sparks, the doors flew open. The hall plummeted into silence as Professor Victoria led the new students, dark robes gliding behind her. The first years followed her, cowering or gaping at the immense hall, at the stained glass windows that seemed to stretch beyond the sky, decorated with monsters and wizards and gods.

But what some of the students really gawked at was the headmaster. Or, more precisely, the headless headmaster. He passed down a roll of parchment and the Sorting Hat to Victoria. She set the hat on a four-legged stool, and the moment she let go, a patch near its brim flew open in song - _"__Ooh, I__'__m a hat of many__—"_

Victoria squashed the hat into silence. The Arithmancy professor, a man with wild hair and peculiar yellow goggles, mouthed out _Thank God._

"When I call your name," Victoria said, regarding the new students, "you will place the hat on your head and sit on the chair. Once you have been sorted, sit at your table with your peers." She unfurled the scroll and began with, "Aachen, Albert!"

With every student sorted, the tables burst into cheers, or even jeers - mostly when Gryffindors or Slytherins were called. When "Avian, Avery," was called, however, the hall bubbled with murmurs. Squigly boggled when the boy in Patricia's group stepped up, looking much more subdued. But before even sitting down, with just the hat tapped to his head, the hat belted "Slytherin!" and the entire table roared with applause.

"Beat that, nerds!" Patricia yelled, hopping on the table even as others tried yanking her down. Filia locked eyes with Squigly and grimaced as Patricia whooped, "We got Avian! We gotcha, buddy!"

"That's—" Squigly glanced from the new Slytherin to the Ravenclaw Head and back again. "He can't be—"

"Yes." Hive flopped into an empty seat beside Leduc. She looked grim. "Avian's grandson."

"It was inevitable," Marie said. "He's spent one too many summers with us."

Hive rolled her eyes. "With Patricia, you mean. I've seen the photos. There's one bunch Avian showed us last year. The little guy looked all nice and sweet at first. Next minute he's set everything on fire."

"How is everyone, by the way?" Leduc asked.

Before Squigly could respond the next student was placed into "Ravenclaw!" and she burst into cheers with everyone else. From far away Patricia belted out another _"Nerds!"_ It wasn't Draine or Victoria's glares that silenced her but Professor Avian himself, who merely caught her eye with a gentle smile.

But what the others didn't notice with all the noise, with the hat carrying on its duty and the tables erupting even more - the door behind the teacher's table swung open. Professor Dahlia came in like a ghost, white cloak sweeping over her shoulder. That strange veil was still present, never showing her face but for a single eye - and her smile. There wasn't one on her face now.

She stood at the table, scanning the crowd - Squigly ducked behind Scythana. Then Dahlia slammed her immense prothestic arm on the table. Everything fell silent.

"Hufflepuff!"

Squigly didn't join in for the rest of sorting. She just - even having the woman _look _at her was enough to make her skin crawl. And as the Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor, it was hard to avoid her.

Before long, however, Victoria called, "Renoir, Umbrella!"

Everyone looked at each other; even Scythana paused from her scheming to smirk. "Ooh, here we go, Princess…"

"Oh boy," Hive said.

"Oh boy, indeed." Roxie plummeted in a seat across from Squigly, heaving a whooshing sigh. "I'm wondering which house old Franz is rooting for. I sure as hell know what Parasoul wants."

"Did you guys have this big prayer circle or something?" Hive asked.

"I'm pretty sure she's still praying."

Squigly didn't blame her. The headmaster himself had been Slytherin, but Squigly imagined even he would have his doubts, considering Slytherin had not only Patricia's crew but the Last Hope girls as well, all of them snapping at the chance to get a Renoir in their clutches…

Victoria smiled at Umbrella as the hat plummeted over the girl's nose. Professor Whitefin covered his face. Even the gamekeeper glanced up with more than passing disinterest. The nogtail swaying on her pike was the only thing that moved while the sorting hat kept quiet for a minute, two minutes, five…

And finally: "Gryffindor!" The sound that ensued seemed to be a blend of absolute joy and an immense sigh of relief. Umbrella herself seemed slightly disappointed but bounded off to Gryffindor, winning a seat by Parasoul, and promptly poked her breasts.

When the sorting was eventually done and everyone was in their proper place, Headmaster Renoir fixed his greatcoat and stood. No one knew where his voice came from, but it resonated through the hall. "And now we must welcome a new year. Welcome, new students, and welcome back to those who have returned. Some of you may have noticed the empty seat at our table." He gestured with one gloved hand. "Professor Odinson has retired from his post in the Study of Ancient Runes. I would like for us to greet his replacement, but, due to certain setbacks, she will not be with us tonight. I imagine, however, in these upcoming days, some of you will be well-acquainted with Professor Eliza—"

The hall filled with murmurs before he even finished her name. Even Squigly did a doubletake - she knew well of Eliza's singing talents; she collected every last song of hers and listened to them all summer! And no one ever mentioned she had skills in translating runes, too. She just - she seemed so _young._

The headmaster kept speaking through the noise, and eventually the students quieted down - some choice glares from Parasoul hushed her table. Even so, the headmaster sighed and spread his fingers. "Further comments will be saved for after the feast," he conceded.

In a whirl of clanging platters food flooded the tables - roast turkeys, cuts of beef, salads like blossoming flowers, boats of sushi (surely courtesy of the head chef) - "Please," the headmaster remarked. "Enjoy yourselves."

Scythana already ripped a leg from a helpless turkey before Avian even regarded them, but the old professor laughed and waved at his house, inviting them all to eat. Everyone dove in. Squigly had just twisted up some noodles when a shout ripped from the teacher's table. Dahlia's veil dripped with red wine, which was also splattered across her cloak. Her goblet careened around her head and she leapt up, and between swearing she fired volleys of Reducto.

"God - damned - house elves!" She glared at the students. "Shut up! All of you!" Finally she blasted the goblet to smithereens to a round of scattered applause. Victoria pushed her into her seat, telling her something, perhaps that executing house elves was strictly against school policy.

"So much for defending us from the dark arts, huh?" Hive rolled her eyes, drizzling honey in her tea. "Can't even defend us from a runaway goblet."

From Gryffindor, Nadia caught Squigly's gaze and hid a grin behind her hand. Squigly nodded in turn, and happily started work on her dinner. This year, she decided, wouldn't be as bad as she imagined.

What she didn't realize was that it would be much worse.

* * *

><p><strong>an:** This was actually written for my girlfriend, who really wanted to see a Hogwarts crossover. So like 90% of this fic is just following her request. I'm not a huge Harry Potter fan myself so I'll probably get tons of details wrong, but hopefully I'll get the broad strokes lololol

To clarify the setting, this takes place in a Harry Potter-esque Earth, but the Harry Potter cast doesn't exist beyond historical figures like the founders of Hogwarts and so on. And with the Skullgirls cast having run of the place, the period is the weird mashup of 1920s through the 1940s that appears in canon. This is totally not to cover my ass when it comes to historical details what are you talking about

And Filia's personality is off from canon, but I'm guessing at what she'd be like with her memories and being raised by the Medicis but still having some decency. I imagine her growing up with Squigly and Carol in her formative years would salvage her from being a 100% asshole, in any case. But we'll see what routes she'll take...heh.

Anyway, thanks for reading. If you have any questions shoot me a line.


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